|You should write what you know.
||[Mar. 27th, 2009|06:48 pm]
They say you should write what you know, and she does, or she tries to. And sometimes the words end up empty, just a shout into a padded cave so there are no echoes. Sometimes someone hears what it said, someone not only hears it but tries to listen and a feedback loop is created.|
For without feedback we are not even human, we are just strangers lost in empty space. It's other people, the collective reactions and changes that makes us human.
But writing what you know seems empty, sometimes. Sometimes she would rather that she could pull the words out of a hat. Orginally this was mispellt as hate. Just a typo, but maybe also a deeper sense, that without feelings, without a world to hold on to the words dont exist. They become meaningless, as they are not written with feeling. Sometimes though she wished the words weren't written with so much feeling, where reading a text a year ago would transport her back to that exact feeling, though she had tried to mask the event writing in third person.
She didn't know where the line between reality and fiction was. It was blurred and she suspected that most times she was writing what she knew, merely changing reality so that it fit her, and the resemblance between characters (living or dead) was not entirely coincidental.
But she did worry that the train that had the destination A (the name of train A was "A whole new country") was going somewhere that was not as much fun as the one she could have been on going to destination Q (known as "Neverland"). And she is worried that choosing the train towards A meant that she had forever lost the possibility of going on train Q, though she knew that R ("Second star to the right and straight on until evening") left from A and ended almost the same place as Q just a few years later. She also worried that picking train A would make her too late for train B (spray painted on the side, "Delayed studies and missed exams") which would in turn mean that she would never catch train C ("Neverland 2"), and would forever be expected to ride train N ("Now"), which was the one she was riding now, which shuttled backwards and forwards between A and M ("Nowhere.")
Sometimes the electrons met other electrons causing sparks to fly and the world to fall apart as she worried too much. Worried about things that would never happen.
And all the time she translates her life into stories. As she cuts onions she thinks about how they allow her to cry without any strange looks, and lets the tears run unchecked, the acid stinging her eyes. When he texts she thinks about the worst case scenarios, hating herself for it, but emotionally preparing for something that will always happen. Everyone leaves at some point, everyone lets you down.
The writing ends up being half writing, half fiction, half feelings, half words, and suddenly the probability adds up to more than one and she has a feeling that he understands. And even if he doesn't understand completely understand everything, she doesn't either, and reads everything twice. It makes her think, makes her reflect on things that were unnoticed before.